Noba

Why I think boba is lame:

1. “Boba” should only refer to Star Wars’s infamous villain, Boba Fett.

2. Pearls of any kind should never be in drinks. I am scared of choking on a tapioca ball…I mean you’re drinking and drinking and then without warning a giant slimy ball attacks your throat. Drinking boba is terrifying.

3. Those goofy straws kill me. Straws should not be that obnoxiously large.

4. A boba ball contains between 7 and 14 calories. A typical boba drink uses between 30 and 50 balls, so that means just the tapioca in a boba drink adds up to between 210 and 700 calories. So depending on the size, a boba drink contains between 400 and 1000 calories. I would much rather waste those calories on something truly awesome, like an Oreo milkshake from Ruby’s.

5. The names of boba drinks are weird. I do not want to eat (drink?) anything called snow bubble, barley milk tea, or green bean milk slush. That just does not scream “yummy!” to me.

6. Boba is so 2002.


Drinking boba is only acceptable under the following circumstances:

1. You are under 18 years of age.
2. You are Asian. (It originated in Taiwan.)