Fragile

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star, like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are, how fragile we are
--Sting

Have you noticed that sometimes when you’re having a bad day, totally random stuff will happen to make your day worse? It feels like the universe is plotting against you to compound one horrible thing on top of another. One day in college, I was just having a really crappy day in class, and then my back started hurting so badly that I didn’t even want to walk to my car, and then when I finally got to my car, about to cry from the pain, I realized I had gotten a parking ticket—my first ever. And then on the way home a grown man cut me off on the freeway and then flipped me off. Really, who does that?!

Sometimes when days like that happen, I am able to laugh at life’s ridiculousness. I mean, really. There is definitely humor to be found in times like that.

And then there are days when I feel like a weak, broken little girl who can't emotionally handle anything. Where one flippant comment will make me dwell on an insecurity for the rest of the day…when someone’s unintentionally icy look or acidic tone makes me carry a heavy burden on my heart, or something everyday and seemingly benign will just make me sad, doubtful, or melancholy. I’ve noticed that I’ve entered a season of my life where I rarely cry anymore (in fact, I don’t remember the last time I cried. I think it was when my grandma died earlier this year), but have definitely been contemplating a lot of serious things…ministry, people, theology, etc. And it’s issues that arise in these areas that sometimes make me feel so fragile, like I'm not able to handle any of it.

My friends and I joke about being “mentally tough,” as in:

“OWW! OMG, dude, I have brain freeze…ugh!”
“It’s because you’re not mentally tough!”

But seriously, sometimes I wonder what the limit of my mental toughness is. Pastor Rick talked in church this weekend about how losing a spouse, either to death or divorce/separation, is the most devastating event in many people’s lives. I haven’t even come close to experiencing that sort of agony. How much can we, as fragile humans, handle? I just wonder sometimes how mentally tough I really am…and what will happen in my life that will show it to me.